I have 3 open throat eaters in my house. By that I mean they don’t chew. They catch their food from the fridge and swallow it like pelicans, so I’m at the grocery store a LOT. Which brings me to the Invasion of Scooter Shoppers.

This may sound insensitive, because it is, but the corpulence driving them is largely, well, REALLY large. I realize people have conditions, but most of them just seem cranky and fat. That’s not a disability. It’s a blinking neon sign that says to walk from the car and through the aisles towards the produce section. Eat a carrot instead of a french fry. It might emancipate you from the scooter. My theory is they’d rather have cheese food snacks and delight at the back up beep when you have to get out of their entitled way.

Look, if you if you’ve got a real thing that impairs you, my heart goes out to you. If you’re filling your scooter basket with processed food and diet soda, don’t expect me to get out of your way. I’m staying right in front of the mayo section, just to piss you off.

With tough love,



Written by Nancy Alexander